I'm taking a Marriage Skills class. A weekly assignment will be to keep a weekly journal of what I have learned. For the next 7 weeks, my posts will be for my Marriage Skills class.
"Jesus saw sin as wrong but also was able to see sin as springing from deep and unmet needs on the part of the sinner...We need to be able to look deeply enough into the lives of others to see the basic causes for their failures and shortcomings." - Pres. Spencer W. Kimball
I like to observe other people and particularly their behavior. I would always be shocked by the bad behavior in someone (that's my black/white OCD mindset). When I learned more about a person it would explain the bad behavior, it wouldn't excuse it, but it would explain it. Then, I would leave it at that. This is how I would view others going back to childhood. Little did I know there is so much more to people's bad behaviors.
I have a bad habit of giving people the silent treatment, especially when I'm angry with them. Needless to say, this wasn't a behavior that helped my marriage in its early years. Whenever I got mad I would immediately shut down. I'd stop talking to him, I'd stop interacting, etc. I was basically throwing a tantrum because I wasn't getting what I wanted. (Real mature, Hannah.) This would drive Tyler crazy! He didn't know why I was mad and I wouldn't tell him, so he was in a no-win situation. I'm embarrassed to say it took years before I humbled myself and stopped giving him the silent treatment. I now give him at least one word.
(This is a general concept, but it can be individualized to the person or relationship)
In this week's lesson, I gained a visual picture of where bad behavior comes from. They come from unmet core needs. Here are some examples of core needs: security, love/connection, autonomy, respect/fairness, growth/progress, competence, and acceptance. When our core needs are not being met that can trigger our primary emotions. Our primary emotions are sadness, hurt, fear, shame, loneliness, unfairness, and disappointment (unmet expectations). These emotions are our vulnerable emotions. When these emotions are addressed they can generally draw partners close together. When these emotions are triggered it can lead to our secondary emotions to manifest. These emotions are more reactive emotions that tend to push people away. Common emotions are anger, anxiety, jealousy, and resentment. And you guessed it, bad behavior comes when these secondary emotions are triggered and not controlled. Here are some examples of bad behavior avoidance, lack of emotional engagement, over-functioning (micromanaging), under-functioning, nagging, and the list goes on.
Unmet core needs do not excuse bad behavior, but it can help us to be more patient and less prone to anger when these bad behaviors happen. If we want to work on our own bad behavior or help someone with there, start looking inward at the core needs. If we just address the bad behavior that is working on a symptom, not the actual illness.
The process of working on bad behaviors and meeting core needs is going to look different for every person and relationship. I can only share what Tyler and I have experienced.
My giving the silent treatment stemmed from feelings of anger, stemmed from feelings of loneliness, which come from my core need to feel love and connection (hence my love language is quality time and conversation.) When Tyler and I were able to figure this out, which was much harder without this lesson, we decided to focus more on my core need to feel connected.
Of course, there are times when I still get angry, but I don't instantly resort to the silent treatment anymore. When I feel that bad behavior coming I choose to be open and honest with Tyler. I might need time to calm down. I might need alone time. I might need a designated time when I can just talk. Whatever it is, I openly communicate that with Tyler. Doing this practice has helped our communication and marriage improve a lot.
"A wise partner will seek to understand the deep and unmet needs of their spouse and then try to meet them. In relationships, deep needs are not met all at once, they are met in small and simple ways over time."
Again, there is no excuse for bad behavior. We can choose to see the bad behavior in someone as a sign that their core needs are not being met. I don't think I'm physically able to work on meeting the core needs of everyone, but I can certainly improve on meeting the core needs of my family and myself.
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