W03 Communication

An assignment in my Marriage Skills class this week was for me to make a meme based on what I learned in class this week. You can judge me about my meme-making skills, cause I don't have any. Let me explain its meaning.

(The author's statements are generalized and may not fit every relationship, and my solution may not work for every marriage.)

This week we studied communication in a marriage, specifically when arguments/disagreements arise. 7 signs predict if a couple is heading for divorce. One of the signs is the body language of both spouses during a disagreement. One major physical response is stonewalling. Stonewalling is when a spouse is under a lot of physical distress (heart pounding, elevated blood pressure, sweating, etc.) and their body's responses begin to shut down. It is a "fight or flight" response. This isn't the only negative physical response, and if this happens in your marriage, it doesn't mean that your marriage is heading for divorce. However, it could be a sign that your communication skills during an argument need improving.

This physical response goes back to the day and age when the survival of the human race depended on each gender focusing on their gender-specific responsibilities. "The females specialized in nurturing children, while the males specialized in cooperative hunting and protection." (Gottman & Silver, 1999) Women still faced stress back then, but they needed to learn to de-stress quickly so they could take care of the children. Men would be on "high alert" for a long time; they needed to do so to protect and take care of their families. These same responses remain in us today. 

When men sense that "fight or flight" response, their heart rates rise, blood pressure increases, and anxiety is heightened. Today, it is often marital stress that causes men to have this response. They tend to stay in this state longer than women do. "It's a biological fact: men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than are their wives." (Gottman & Silver, 1999)

Men are more prone to stonewalling during an argument than women. Why? Because of their physical response. Since it takes them longer to calm down, they try to skip the "fight or flight" response and go straight to "shut down" to avoid conflict. 

After learning this, it opened my eyes to moments in my own marriage. When an argument is beginning, I notice that Tyler will remain silent for a long time. His silence tells me he doesn't want to fight about it. He is stonewalling to avoid having a fight about the subject. I used to take this as a sign that he was ignoring me or didn't want to try to work with me to resolve the problem. But that wasn't it. After an argument, he would tell me that he wanted to calm down first. He didn't want to speak to me in anger. He wanted to try to talk to me with a clear mind.

"...most marriages (including healthy, happy ones) follow a...pattern of conflict in which the wife, who is constitutionally better able to handle the stress, brings up sensitive issues. The husband, who is not as able to cope with it, will attempt to avoid getting into the subject. He may become defensive and stonewall..." (Gottman & Silver, 1999)

Stonewalling doesn't help resolve any marital disputes, nor does it excuse bad behavior. But understanding brings patience. Knowing it takes longer for Tyler to calm down, I can better prepare him for times when I want to talk about sensitive topics. Or when I feel myself becoming angry, I can try to prepare him and then allow enough time for both of us to calm down first and then resume the conversation. And instead of immediately stonewalling, Tyler could tell me that he wants time to think and collect his thoughts before we talk. Approaching sensitive issues like this, and understanding that it's not a desire to avoid talking or avoid working out the issue, helps us communicate better and in the long run results in more problems solved. 

Hopefully, this brings more understanding to my meme. Men physically take a longer time to calm down after a disagreement than women. I hope understanding this can bring more patience into your marriages like I hope it will for me. 

I do have Tyler's permission to share these details about our marriage.