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W04 Dealing with Anger

Sadly, marriage is not always "peaches and cream". There are disagreements and arguments. There will be times when spouses do not agree. I used to think that if Tyler and I disagreed, then something was wrong with us. Which is not true. 

I don't think that now. Tyler and I can absolutely disagree. But when we disagree on an important topic, parenting for example, we try hard to come to a solution we agree on. We don't agree on everything. That is a lot of pressure for a couple to feel like they have to agree on everything.

What is important though is being able to disagree without getting angry. It's important to learn to talk about sensitive topics without verbally throwing insults at each other. When we feel our tempers starting to rise, we try hard to take some time to cool down and discuss when we are calm. Thankfully, Tyler and I are seeing progress in our efforts and are encouraged to keep practicing.

But...

We are having a hard time teaching our boys to disagree without lashing out in anger. We want them to learn to disagree peacefully. We have tried to talk and teach how to do this several times, but to no avail, it seems.

This week in my studying I learned about the Speaker-Listener Technique. Here are the rules:

Rules for both of you
1. The speaker has "the floor" - find a real object to help you designate "the floor."
2. Share "the floor."

Rules for the Speaker
1. Speak for yourself.
2. Don't go on and on.
3. Stop and let the Listener paraphrase

Rules for the Listener
1. Paraphrase what you hear.
2. Don't rebut. Focus on the Speaker's message.

Using this technique gives both parties a chance to speak their mind, say what they want to say, and feel like they get to be heard. It helps take the heat out of the situation. I am planning to have an FHE lesson in a week or two where we try this technique. I am intrigued to see how our boys do with it. 

"No one can make us mad or angry, for anger is a choice. We can choose to be angry, or we can choose to not be."

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