I Have Been Here Before

I have been here before. Praying for a baby. Trying to get pregnant. With each cycle ending in a negative pregnancy test. This is a soul crushing experience that is very slow and very painful. Like I said, I have been here before. Not only am I experiencing more, but I am also remembering what I have gone through. Infertility takes its toll on the body and mind. It is a pit of despair that can be extremely difficult to climb out of. When I went through it before, my soul felt very similiar to Joseph Smith's anguish in Liberty Jail. "O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?" Doctrine and Covenants 121:1 It felt like God was ignoring me and left me alone to suffer. It was a dark and depressing time. Now, I feel those feelings coming back. I know what it feels like to be in this pit.

Since I have been here before, I also know how I got out of that pit last time. Having a baby helped, but it wasn't what got me out of the pit.

Lamentations 3:17-28 says, "And thou has removed my soul far off from peace: I forgat prosperity. And I said, My strength and my hope is perished from the Lord: Remembering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall. My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me. This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him. The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him. It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. He sitteth alone and keepeth silence, because he hath born it upon him.

It was turning to and relying on the Lord that got me out. It was humbling accepting my trial and His comfort at the same time. It was learning how to let go of my will and trust in His. It was choosing to remain faithful to Him, no matter what happens. I have been here before, desiring a baby, but choosing to put my will aside and trust Him.

I have been striving to have that mindset these last 6 months. I was hoping that this obedience would yield the blessing of a baby in a few months. So far, it hasn't happened. Instead of falling down the pit of despair, I have been pulling myself up on the side trying not to slip back in. I have been striving to be patient, humble, and open. I've been studying faith. I've been studying the scriptures. I have been trying to keep up with my busy life while we wait. I have been praying this whole time. Doing these things, continuing my obedience to God and Christ, I believe is what has been keeping me out of the pit.

So, when the heavenly answer "Rest" came to my mind, I was willing to accept it. I am disappointed, but I also feel at peace. Pres. Henry B. Eyring stated, "the Lord's delays often seem long; some last a lifetime. But they are always calculated to bless. They need never be times of loneliness or sorrow or impatience. Although His time is not always our time, we can be sure that the Lord keeps His promises." I am striving to put my mortal confusion aside and trust God's timing in all of this. 

Jeremiah 42:5-6 says, "Then they said to Jeremiah, The Lord be a true and faithful witness between us, if we do not even according to all things for the which the Lord thy God shall send thee to us. Whether it be good, or whether it be evil, we will obey the voice of the Lord our God, to whom we send thee, that it may be well with us, when we obey the voice of the Lord our God."

If His answer is for me to rest, then I am going to trust that there is a reason for it. I will choose to obey. I have a very full and blessed life. At this time, I have a stewardship over many, many people. I am going to trust that the lessons I need to learn in this stewardship are for my benefit in the future, but I need to learn them now. I am going to trust that the preparation that I will help my children with will beneficial to our family for when we do have a new baby. I am going to trust that the personal growth, in body, mind, and spirit, that will happen before the baby will be a needed benefit to me and my family. And through all of these things, I hope to see and teach my children how we draw closer to Christ through faith and obedience. 

Pres. Eyring also said, "As we do what He would have us do for His Father's children, the Lord considers it kindness to Him, and we will feel closer to Him as we feel His love and approval. In time we will become like Him and will think of the Judgement Day with happy anticipation." All of the struggles we go through can be used to help us become like our Savior. They can help us draw closer to Him, so we can get to know Him better. Pres. Eyring stated, "...our certain reunion with Him at the judgment bar will be more pleasing if we first do the things that make Him as familiar to us as we are to Him. As we serve Him, we become like Him, and we feel closer to Him as we approach that day when nothing will hide our view."

I have been here before. I know things happen on His timetable and according to His will. I can practice again what Pres. Eyring encourages all of us to do, "We remove the pavilion when we feel and pray, 'Thy will be done' and "in Thine own time.' His time should be soon enough for us since we know that He wants only what is best." I can slow down. I can rest. I can trust that our next baby will come when the Lord needs them to come. Until then, I can "both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord."